


wash my hands, turn my back (i don't need the memories we had)

by advanced_fanatic



Series: don't pretend that you're better than this--malevolence goes both ways [1]
Category: IDOLiSH7 (Anime), IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angst, Asthma, Emotionally Constipated Kujou Ten, Found Family, Friendship, Fucked Up Sibling Relationships, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Misunderstandings, REALLY REALLY POORLY MANAGED asthma, Sort of? - Freeform, and appear in this fic, and my best friend still tells me off for it, babe but like. platonically, basically this is an au where riku resents tenn instead of idolizing him, because of two main incidents that i just made up, but - Freeform, but like i don't go into detail, home remedies for asthma, i haven't read the fics yet but it should DEFINITELY be a more common tag, i would say don't try this at home, it is shit i've used on my asthma and shit that works (for me), like seriously i'm not this bad with my asthma, my usual bullshit contact names, of a sort, so don't take my word for it, this should be a more common tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28725690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/advanced_fanatic/pseuds/advanced_fanatic
Summary: Instead of chasing after Tenn, Riku decided that if his brother didn't want anything to do with him, he wouldn't have anything to with idols in general. Four and a half years later, this resolution isn't as simple as he once thought it would be.
Relationships: Izumi Iori & Izumi Mitsuki, Izumi Iori & Nanase Riku, Izumi Iori/Nanase Riku, Kujou Ten & Nanase Riku, Kujou Ten & Yaotome Gaku, Nanase Riku & Yaotome Gaku
Series: don't pretend that you're better than this--malevolence goes both ways [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120118
Comments: 8
Kudos: 58





	wash my hands, turn my back (i don't need the memories we had)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bumbliinqbee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bumbliinqbee/gifts).



> This is my first fic in this fandom, so I hope you like it! I can't wait to finish season two and write more and read other fics!
> 
> Thank you so much to the amazing bumbliinqbee for talking this (and all my other Idolish7 fic ideas) through with me! I hope you like it!

It was three weeks after his brother left that thirteen-year-old Nanase Riku stumbled into Fonte Chocolat. It was raining, and he had tried to run home and had started up an asthma attack from the exercise, which reminded him that Tenn would never be there to convince him to take his inhaler ever again. He had just left, as if he didn’t care at all.

But he did care, he had to, he was Riku’s  _ twin, _ he had promised they’d always be best friends! He...he promised he’d never leave him…

But he probably had a good reason. He had to. Tenn was the best person Riku ever knew, so of course he had a good reason, and it was dumb to feel so upset and hurt over it. Besides, it had only been three weeks! Not even a month! Surely, he’d come back and visit, or write soon.

But anyway, it was starting to rain, and Riku was having an asthma attack, and he slowed in front of a beautiful bakery, and he remembered that his parents had given him a bit of extra pocket money and that Tenn would love one of the fancy sweets on display in the window before he remembered that Tenn was gone, and by that time he was standing inside debating with himself which treat his brother would like the most.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to the older boy standing at the register, before breaking down into tears and then turning to leave. What was the point in getting sweets if he couldn’t share them with Tenn?

“Hey, what’s wrong?” 

The older boy came around the counter and put a comforting arm on Riku’s shoulder, and he just cried harder, because this boy was so  _ nice _ even though Riku was wasting his time, because he couldn’t buy anything, because even though he did have extra pocket money, he’d wanted to get the sweets for Tenn.

“Hey. Kid. It’s ok, just let it out, ok?” The older boy said, pulling Riku into a full hug and rubbing circles into his back. It was almost like Tenn’s hugs, although different in every conceivable way, seeing as not only was he a different person, but he also didn’t know Riku and was a little uncomfortable with the situation. 

Riku eventually calmed down enough to gasp like a fish in the older boy’s arms, before remembering his inhaler in his backpack and groping blindly for it.

“What are you looking for?” the older boy asked.

“My--” Riku took a quick, shallow breath. “Inhaler. My...inhaler.” His hand finally closed around it as another kid, around his age, came out of the back.

“Mitsuki, what are you doing?” asked the boy. “Mom and Dad wanted you to watch the counter!” He rounded it as Riku sucked in the medicine and capped his inhaler again, slowly counting his breaths. His doctor and Tenn had said to take one puff, then wait a minute, and then take another, but he’d overheard his parents talking about how much money the inhalers cost, and if he used it as often as the doctors said, well…

He thought that money had played some sort of role in Tenn’s leaving--something about the man he’d gone with giving him the kind of life he deserved, because he was so talented, a kind of life they just couldn’t afford to give him.

“Who’s that?” The kid crouched down. “Are you alright?”

Riku nodded, still taking slow breaths. They were deepening slightly, which was good; he could definitely get away without taking the second puff.

The older boy frowned. “No you’re not. What’s your name? What’s wrong?”

“I’m Nanase Riku,” Riku said, “and, um, my brother’s gone? And he really likes sweets. I was going to get him some, but…”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” the boy around his age said. “I’m Izumi Iori. I’m twelve. This is my older brother, Mitsuki.”

Mitsuki leaned forward slightly. “If you don’t mind me asking, how did he die?”

Iori looked horrified.

“Oh, um, Tenn didn’t die! He just left. To become an idol. Because we were holding him back.”

Mitsuki frowned. “But you’re family. Idols don’t just abandon their family.”

“We were-- _ I _ was holding him back,” Riku explained. “My asthma, it’s, um, it’s really bad, and I have to go to the hospital a lot, and we didn’t have enough money to give him the kind of life he deserves, so he left with...um...some man who trains idols, I don’t remember his name.”

“Your brother’s full of shit,” Mitsuki seethed. “I want to be an idol! More than anything, I want to. But I wouldn’t ever abandon Iori or my parents to do so!”

“I have asthma, so I’m weak and he always had to take care of me, so it’s ok,” Riku told Mitsuki. He wasn’t sure why he was so mad. After all, Tenn was right to go, wasn’t he? Sure, Riku hurt...a lot...and he still missed Tenn, every day. But it was for the best, right? Tenn  _ deserved _ it.

“No!” Mitsuki exploded. “No! It’s not ok! God, you’re what, twelve? Iori’s age?”

“Thirteen, actually,” Riku said.

“Great. And how old is your brother? I swear, I’m only sixteen and I know better!”

“Thirteen too. We’re twins, although he’s about an hour older than me,” Riku said proudly. Tenn was really cool, and he liked talking about him. It made him miss him a little less.

“He’s only thirteen…?” Mitsuki shook his head, sighing. “That’s...that’s really messed up, actually. Like, really messed up…”

While he was talking, Iori got up and ducked behind the counter. He emerged a few moments later with a cute pink cake, and held it out to Riku.

“Here. It’s complementary. You should stay and eat it, and come back again. A lot.”

Riku frowned up at him. “What? Why?”

Iori shrugged, his face turning red. “Because I said so. Also, you’re sick. This should help.”

“Sugar and dairy sometimes make my asthma worse, actually,” Riku told him, but he accepted the cake. “It’s really good!”

“I’m glad,” Iori said. “Wait, how do they make it worse?”

Riku shrugged. “I don’t know. They just do.” He took another bite.

“If it makes it worse, stop eating it, you idiot!” Iori exclaimed.

Riku started chewing faster, and Mitsuki laughed as the two boys started engaging in a tug-of-war over the book, rain and Riku’s earlier sadness forgotten in favor of a newfound activity: arguing with and annoying the hell out of each other.

~3 years later~

Yaotome Gaku was running late to his grandfather’s soba shop. His father had kept him late in a meeting with the other two members of Trigger, and Kujo Tenn had proved to be an annoying little bastard as always and they’d gotten into yet another fight, and now he was late. Again. And they were doing a special with a bakery a few streets over, and Gaku was supposed to bring in all of the sweets for his grandfather, and now he was running late…

He hopped out of the taxi and bolted down the street, inwardly cursing his father, Trigger itself, and  _ fucking _ Tenn. Why did the annoying kid have to fight him on everything?

He swung open the door and hurried in, and almost immediately collided with a skinny redheaded kid carrying a large box.

“I’m sorry!” the boy squeaked, stumbling backwards and almost dropping the boxes. Steadying him, Gaku noticed the print on them:  _ Fonte Chocolat. _

That was the bakery they were collabing with, right? What was this  _ literal _ child--seriously, he had to be around Tenn’s age if not younger, and while Gaku couldn’t say anything about his father using literal child labor, the same didn’t really go for that bakery--and the boy was definitely around Tenn’s age. He even resembled him a little.

“This is employees only, kid,” he told him, as the boy made his way over to the counter.

“I know!” the boy said. “Mr. Yamamura couldn’t lift all of these by himself, and Iori has a bunch of homework today, and Mitsuki has an audition, and they usually do deliveries, so I told them I’d help out since I’m pretty much free, and I can lift better than Mr. Yamamura, so I’m bringing all these inside for him! Don’t worry, I’m not breaking in.” 

He shot Gaku a bright grin, and Gaku wondered how he could have ever thought this kid looked the slightest bit like Kujo Tenn. Sure, they had similar haircuts and facial structures, but Gaku thought that if Tenn ever smiled like this kid was doing now, he’d pass out from sheer exertion.

“Great,” Gaku said. “If you want I could help you carry these--Mr. Yamamura’s my grandfather. I know where everything goes.”

“Oh, cool!” the kid said. “Yeah, that’d be great--so you work here with you’re family? That’s super cool! My best friends are part of their family’s business too--as you can see, by the boxes. Mitsuki wants to be an  _ idol, _ though.” He said idol with the same inflection as “barrel of dog shit”, screwing up his face and shaking his head. “I mean, he’s still a good person! He’s one of my best friends. And also only friends. He’s like an older brother to me. Just because he wants to be an idol doesn’t make him a bad person. After all, he said that  _ he _ wasn’t ever going to leave his family behind to become one.”

Gaku, an idol who went behind his father’s back to regularly help out his grandfather with his soba shop and valued his family a lot, raised his eyebrows. “You really think all idols abandon their families to become famous?”

“Yeah,” the kid said. “They suck. They’re all terrible, horrible people and their music isn’t all that great anyways.”

“Have you listened to any idol music?” Gaku asked.

“...No,” the boy admitted. “But still! They’re all awful!” 

Gaku snorted, helping the kid put down the boxes. “Yeah, sure. I’m Gaku, by the way.”

“Nanase Riku,” the kid replied, holding out his hand for Gaku to shake. “Sorry for ranting at you...I don’t, um, I don’t really like idols all that much...I guess that was pretty obvious, hah. I know most people like them a lot...sorry if I offended you.”

“No, it’s fine,” Gaku said, mind racing. This kid...he’d probably never heard of Yaotome Productions, or Gaku’s father, or even Gaku himself. He might not even have heard of Trigger!

...Then again, Trigger was still pretty new. They were getting big fast, sure, but they were new. There was every chance Nanase Riku would learn about it eventually...but with his hatred of idols, that might not be very likely.

If Gaku could befriend him, then there was no way anyone like, say, Kujo Tenn could say that he was a naturally unlikeable person! Plus, he’d be befriending Gaku because he liked  _ Gaku _ (...or soba), not because he was an idol or his father’s son or rich or sexy.

Well, maybe because he was sexy. Gaku didn’t know which way the boy swang. But it wouldn’t be  _ just _ because he was sexy. Besides, the boy was cute, like a small puppy, or those kids in the tens of  _ thousands _ of asthma medication ads that Tenn just...read, in his spare time. Cute things were fun. And usually nice. And didn’t tend to bite, unless they were, like, puppies or kittens or something. Or raccoons. Gaku had tried to pet a raccoon once. It had been the one time Ryuu had joined Tenn in teasing him, and, yeah...maybe it was deserved. Petting a raccoon that showed up in a Dumpster at 2 am was perhaps not his best idea ever, but in his defense, he had been drunk at the time.

Hopefully this kid wouldn’t be like that raccoon. That wouldn’t be fun.

“Um...are you sure? You’ve been staring off into space for, like, five minutes,” Nanase said.

“Oh, sorry,” said Gaku. “Uh...you want milk? Kids your age like milk, right?”

“It, um, it actually makes my asthma act up,” Nanase said. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize for that, it isn’t your fault,” Gaku told him. “What about soba? I could give you soba, on the house.” That was how people made friends, right? You fed them and they kept coming back. For example, his father was paying Tenn and Ryuu to be part of Trigger, and paying all three of them to be friends--technically, paying them. Food was probably a much more ethical way of creating friendship. Right? “Can you...eat soba? With asthma?”

“Yeah, I can!” Nanase grinned at him. “Technically, I can drink milk, too--it just triggers an attack, sometimes, and then Iori yells at me for ‘neglecting my health’ and ‘being an idiot’. I don’t really think it’s that important? I mean, my lungs are going to be terrible no matter what I do, and I might as well enjoy my life, right? I mean, I’m not an  _ invalid... _ at the moment...but I haven’t actually been hospitalized in six months! That’s, like, a record for me! ...I’m rambling again, sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Gaku grinned at him and handed him a bowl of soba, which he eagerly started eating. “So, Nanase, how old are you? And do you, like, actually work at Fonte Chocolat or are your friends foisting their jobs off on you?”

“I’m sixteen,” Nanase said, “and you can call me Riku! And it’s neither, actually...I wheezed, like, once, and Iori made me ride in the company truck with Mitsuki instead of walking home, and we were supposed to just drop the box off, but your grandfather looked like he needed help, so I offered, and...yeah. Here I am.”

“Huh,” Gaku said. “And your friend was cool with that? Even though you have asthma?”

“It’s not like it’s, like, bad or anything,” Riku assured him. “Iori just likes to worry a lot. I think it’s recreational for him.”

Gaku snorted. “Recreational worrying?”

“Yeah, you know, he does perfect in school, and he helps out at Fonte Chocolat, and he’s generally a pretty straightlaced guy, so he needs a bit of excitement in his life, so he entertains himself by worrying about my asthma.”

“And you don’t think the fact that six months of no hospitalization is a record for you has anything to do with that?” Gaku asked.

Riku frowned. “No, why would it? I’m not the sort of person people  _ care _ about. Iori and Mitsuki are just...exceptions, I guess. They’re both really nice, even though Iori doesn’t like showing it much.”

“Kid, you need therapy,” Gaku said.

“Iori said the same thing, actually,” Riku said.

“And…?”

“And maybe when my asthma clears up enough that my family isn’t constantly in debt, I’ll consider it,” Riku said.

Gaku shrugged. “Fair. But maybe consider the fact that you’re a likeable person?”

“But not really one worth sticking around for.” Riku put down his empty bowl, a small, almost bitter smile on his face. “Anyway, it was nice meeting you, Gaku.”

“Same to you,” Gaku said. “Come back anytime--I’ll get my grandfather to give you a discount. Seriously, you seem like a cool kid, and I’d like to get to know you.”

“Yeah, thanks!” Riku said. He waved and left, and Gaku took a moment to wonder whether he’d successfully managed to make a friend.

He guessed he’d figure it out later, probably.

“So I have, like, an actual friend now,” Gaku said some weeks later, driving home with Ryuu and Tenn after a particularly draining concert.

“We’re your friends, Gaku,” said Ryuu.

“I’m your enemy, actually,” Tenn said, scrolling through his phone.

“Feeling’s mutual, babe,” Gaku said dryly. “But I mean I have a friend who doesn’t know or care about the idol stuff. He likes me for my  _ personality.” _

“Seriously?” Tenn said. “That guy has awful taste.”

“That’s what I thought too,” Gaku said. “But he’s pretty cool, otherwise.”

“How does he not know about your side job as an idol?” Ryuu asked.

“He doesn’t care for idols,” Gaku said. “Hates the whole breed, actually. I asked him the other day if he’d ever heard about Trigger, and he said he thought it was part of a gun, but he wasn’t sure. I played one of our songs for him and he said it was nice and then immediately started talking about the proper way to beat eggs.”

“Wow, he sounds like an idiot,” Tenn said.

“As opposed to you?” Gaku asked.

Tenn flipped his phone screen to him. It was open to the 24th page of a PDF called  _ A Case Study in Payment Reform to Support Optimal Pediatric Asthma Care. _ “Could an idiot read this?” he asked.

“You can read?” Gaku said. 

“Can your friend?” Tenn shot back. 

“I mean, I think so,” Gaku said. “Our friendship is mostly based on me feeding him and him talking to me about cool stuff. He’s a good kid.”

“What is he, seven?” asked Tenn. “He sounds like an immature infant.”

“He’s sixteen and much more mature than you,” Gaku told him.

“Guys, stop it,” Ryuu said. “Gaku, it’s cool that you have a friend. You should probably tell him the truth about who you are soon, though, he might be upset that you’re keeping this from him. Tenn, you don’t need to be jealous of Gaku’s new friend, he still likes you.”

“I’m not jealous,” said Tenn, sounding offended. “I’m just saying, the guy sounds like a complete idiot. I know that  _ I  _ would never hang around trash like that.”

“And yet you can never leave yourself,” Gaku mused.

“I hate you,” Tenn groused.

“Feeling’s mutual, babe.”

“Stop calling me babe!”

Gaku grinned over at him. “Never.”

Riku was perched on the counter of the soba shop as Gaku finished packing up the to-go orders, detailing the events of the past week.

“...so Iori was all red, and I couldn’t hear anything he was saying, but luckily Mitsuki was there, and he just pulled out two movie tickets and said, he said ‘Riku, Iori’s  _ trying _ to ask if you would like to go to dinner and a movie with him’ and I said ‘that sounds super fun, but I don’t know if I could afford it’ because, you know, my parents are kind of in debt because of my asthma? And yeah they won the lottery like three years ago, but...it didn’t really go far. Mitsuki said that was fine because Iori would pay, and I asked why, and Iori said he wanted to take me out on a date! Me! A date! A real, actual date! To dinner and a movie! And of course I said yes, you know I’ve had a crush on him for ages, and we’re going this Friday! I’m super excited!”

“That’s great, Riku!” Gaku said. “Congratulations. Sadly I’ve never dated anyone before so I can’t really offer up any advice, but I hope you guys have a great relationship all the same!”

“You’ve never dated anyone?” Riku said. “But you’re, like, twenty. And you look like that guy in the soap ads.”

Gaku grinned a little. “Really? Aw, thank you. Could you show me which soap ads?”

“Uh, sure,” Riku said. He pulled up a picture of Orikasa Yukito in an ad for soap. “See? He looks just like you, his hair’s just a bit longer!”

Gaku snorted. “Yeah, we definitely do look similar,” he said. “But uh, I think I look more like  _ this.” _

He pulled up his Wikipedia page and showed Riku a picture--of just him, since he and Tenn  _ also _ had a similar hair color and he thought he would  _ actually _ die if Riku compared him to Tenn. Maybe he should just...make sure that Riku never,  _ ever _ saw any pictures of him and Tenn--or even Tenn in general--just so as to not risk it. He did  _ not _ want to deal with the kid saying “Oh, he looks so much like you!” He would probably honestly die from the horror.

“I mean, kind of?” Riku said. “That guy is an idol, though, look, he’s  _ literally _ singing on a stage in that photo, which means you’re much handsomer than him.”

“Thanks, I...think,” Gaku said. “Riku, you do know that Yuki--the guy from the soap ads--is also an idol, right?” 

Riku blinked. “I did not know that. Good thing I didn’t buy any of that soap! Ugh, idols. They’re everywhere!”

“Why do you hate idols so much?” Gaku asked. “I mean, they just sing and dance on a stage--what have they ever done to you?”

Riku shrugged. “Nothing, I guess, really, it’s just...idols showed me how worthless I really am, pretty much. I mean, when I was thirteen, some idol trainer or keeper or whatever came and ruined my family’s club, and when both my parents were unemployed, he asked my twin brother if he’d like to go with him and become an idol, and...he left and never looked back. I tried for  _ months _ to write to him, or talk to him, or  _ find _ him somehow, but...well. I did, a few weeks after I met Mitsuki and Iori, and he looked at me like I was trash--like I was  _ worse _ than trash, worse than  _ nothing _ and said he had no idea who I was and just...left. And it had been a really good day for my asthma, I hadn’t even had  _ one _ attack that day, and the sun was shining, and it was beautiful, and I’d been so happy, and now...all I can remember is the way he just  _ looked _ at me, and left,  _ again. _ I guess not all idols are like that, and honestly I have no idea if he’s an idol yet or successful or not, and I don’t want to. He threw me away. He hates me. He wants  _ nothing _ to do with me. So...I don’t want anything to do with him either. Or idols. Or anything like that.” He sighed. “I mean, Mitsuki wants to be an idol...and of course I’ll support him, he’s one of my best friends. I’ll go to all of his concerts, and buy his merch and music, and stuff, because he’s my friend and he doesn’t suck. But otherwise...yeah, I don’t really want anything to do with idols.”

“...This is probably a terrible time to say that I’m actually Yaotome Gaku from the popular idol group Trigger,” Gaku said.

“Congratulations?” Riku said, grabbing the orders and starting to load them up. Gaku blinked at him. He didn’t seem any more upset when he did when telling his story about his brother--in fact, he looked even  _ less _ upset. Gaku grabbed some more and followed.

“You’re not mad at me?” he asked.

“What for?”

“Lying to you. Being an idol, when you hate idols. I don’t know. You just went on this long, vulnerable speech about your brother, and stuff, and now you’re fine with me being the thing you hate the most?”

“Gaku, I  _ super _ don’t care that you’re an idol, or that you’re ‘famous’ or ‘popular’ or whatever. I mean, you help out a bunch at your grandfather’s soba shop, so it’s clear that you haven’t abandoned your family, and I mean, we’re friends. I have literally three of those. And I know you aren’t a bad person, so I’m not going to be mad at you just for your side job. Plus…” he sighed. “Yeah. I know it’s unhealthy to hate an entire job’s worth of people just for the actions of one. Mostly, I don’t really care about idols. I don’t care what they do, or don’t do, or whatever. I don’t want anything to do with any of it. I guess I...if I see my brother again, I don’t know what I’d do. I miss him a lot, but I’m really mad at him, too. I guess love and hate really are two sides of the same coin, because I do still love him, but I hate him a lot right now, too. I guess...if he came back, for  _ me, _ not because he feels guilty or thinks it’ll make him look good or we somehow know people in common--which is super unlikely, I know, but Mitsuki’s going to be an idol someday and you’re one, so it’s not impossible that you know him--but because he wants  _ me _ and misses  _ me, _ and wants me back in his life. Because he thinks leaving was a mistake and wants to apologize and  _ is _ sorry, and--and actually wants me and actually  _ loves _ me instead of just pretending to care because our parents had to work all the time and I was sick!” Riku wiped his eyes. “Sorry. Sorry, I, I didn’t mean to yell. But, anyway, yeah, I don’t care that you’re a part of Gun or whatever. You’re still my friend, and I’m guessing that Bullet isn’t a  _ new _ thing.”

“It’s Trigger,” Gaku said, patting Riku’s shoulder. He was  _ shit _ at comforting people, he really was. “And, uh. Does any of this mean I could convince you to listen to our music?”

Riku shrugged. “Uh, sure, why not? I mean, it is  _ your _ music.”

Gaku grinned at him. “Awesome. I’ll bring you a couple free CDs--no album art, sadly, cause my dad’ll flip his shit if he realizes I’m giving out merch for free, but I’m guessing you don’t really care about that kind of stuff.”

“Not at all,” Riku said. “Gunpowder could be run by Care Bears for all I care.”

“It’s Trigger, and I can assure you, we’re not,” Gaku said. “You’ve actually probably heard some of our songs before, we’re...pretty famous. Actually, I was named the Sexiest Man Alive this year.”

“Clearly they’ve never met you,” Riku said.

Gaku burst out laughing and finished loading the cart.

“I don’t see why you’re having  _ me _ help you steal music for your friend,” Tenn grumbled. “If he really wants it, he can buy it himself. And what’s up with us having to get all the identifying characteristics off of the albums?”

“He doesn’t want it, I want him to listen to it,” Gaku said. “I also want him to get our name right. The closest he’s  _ ever _ gotten was calling it Triggy Finger.”

“God, what an idiot,” Tenn huffed. “Why do you even hang around with him?”

“Because he’s nice to me, unlike you,” Gaku told him. “And we need to make them blank CDs otherwise Dad will  _ actually _ murder me.”

“I’d like to see that,” Tenn said, carefully pulling the label off of the album CD.

“It would ruin your career too,” Gaku said. “Trigger’s three-person, not two-person.”

“Wish it was.”

“Love you too, babe.”

“I will sneak in a video of you singing Carly Rae Jepson songs in the shower into this pile if you keep calling me that,” Tenn threatened.

“Bet,” Gaku said.

Tenn rolled his eyes, but made no move to get the blackmail video. “Why couldn’t Ryuu help you out with this instead?” he asked. “You guys actually  _ like _ each other.”

“He’s busy,” Gaku said. “Plus, nobody would ever suspect sweet, innocent, modern-day angel  _ Kujo Tenn _ of stealing his own merchandise, now would they?”

“No, and there’s a reason for that,” Tenn muttered. “And the reason is I don’t  _ do _ shit like this.”

“It’s just a one-time thing,” Gaku assured him. “That is, until we release a new album. But then it’ll only be one CD.”

“Well, if we’re going to all this trouble…” Tenn finished the CD he was working on and transferred it to an empty case. “So is he coming to Black or White?”

“Tenn, he hates idols with a passion,” Gaku said. “I had enough trouble just convincing him to listen to our CDs.”

“So it should be easier to convince him to come,” Tenn said. “The foot-in-the-door phenomenon, you know? Wait till he likes our music and then ask him to the concert.”

“You’re phrasing it like I’m asking him on a date!” Gaku said, horrified.

“I mean, if the shoe fits…”

“Babe, you know you’re the only one in my heart,” Gaku said sarcastically. “On a more serious note, though, he is seventeen. Your age. A  _ literal _ baby. Plus, he has a boyfriend. They’re adorable together, if you want pictures.”

“I’d rather just imagine it,” Tenn said. 

“Are you sure? A couple weeks ago you really wanted to know what he looked like,” Gaku said.

“That’s because I thought he might be...somebody I met once. Now I’ve decided it’s better just to imagine either that he is or isn’t.”

“And yet you want him at Black or White.”

Tenn shrugged. “Maybe I’m hoping that he is.”

“At Black or White?” Gaku asked.

“The person I’m thinking of.” Tenn stood. “Of course, I would have to take every rude thing I’ve ever said about him back if he is, but...I suppose it might be nice.”

“Well, that’s not a weird thing to say at all.” Gaku put away his supplies and started packing up the CDs. “Thanks for your help babe, frankly I’m not quite sure whether or not I want you to be thinking of who he actually is, but either way you might find out in a month or so.”

“Stop calling me babe,” Tenn said.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway--bye, I’m off to deliver some sexy sexy music to my sweet little friend.”

“Sexy?” Tenn said. “I thought you said you weren’t interested and also that he has a boyfriend.”

“The music is sexy, though,” said Gaku, “and I’m really hoping he agrees.”

Tenn rolled his eyes. “Good luck,” he said.

“Thanks babe, I need it!”

“Stop calling me  _ fucking _ babe, dickhole!”

Riku opted not to listen to the music with Gaku. It was too...big, somehow, to do when he was there. Too...frightening, almost, as though Gaku would judge him for his response. That was ridiculous, of course--Gaku might tease him for a lot of stuff, but he had been pretty good about Riku’s feelings towards idols and stuff and hadn’t pressured him to interact with their group at all.

Still, though. Riku was nervous.

He wasn’t sure why he thought that listening with Mitsuki and Iori was any better, though, but...well, he had known them a lot longer than he’d known Gaku, and he would definitely feel better listening with his boyfriend there. So he came into the bakery--luckily, it was empty--and said, “Hey, so apparently Gaku’s in some sort of idol band group thing?”

“Ooh, really?” Mitsuki asked. “What are they called?”

“Barrel, I think?” Riku said. “Maybe Magazine?”

“Kind of dumb names for an idol group,” said Iori. 

Riku shrugged. “I don’t know much about them, but Gaku gave me a couple of their CDs to listen to, if you guys want to listen with me.”

“Yeah, definitely!” Mitsuki said. “I’m always on the lookout for a new group to listen to.”

Iori nodded as well, so Riku popped the CD into their CD player and the first song started playing.

Wow, the lead singer was...good. Like,  _ really _ good. There was something about his voice that awakened something in Riku, some sort of happiness and peace that he hadn’t felt in three and a half years, since before Tenn had abandoned him. It was almost like when Tenn had sung and danced to cheer him up during a particularly terrible asthma attack, or…

But Riku wasn’t going to sully Gaku’s music with those memories. These would be  _ new _ memories, and he would like it for the talent of the singers, not some misplaced nostalgia.

The song faded out and Mitsuki lowered his hands from his mouth, letting out a piercing shriek. “Oh my fucking God, that was  _ Trigger!” _

“Oh yeah, that’s their name,” said Riku.

“That was  _ Trigger! _ Gaku, our friend Gaku from the soba place, is  _ Yaotome Gaku of Trigger! _ Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! This is so awesome, oh my God!”

“That’s...definitely his name,” Riku said, bemused.

“Trigger is a big new idol group,” Iori explained. “They just won the New Idol Award at JIMA. Mitsuki’s pretty obsessed with them.”

“Oh,” Riku said. “Well, I did like that song.”

“Oh my God oh my God oh my God!” Mitsuki screamed, jumping around the room.

Riku pulled out his phone and opened Gaku’s contact.

**the sweet child:** so apparently Mitsuki is a big fan of piston

**d*ck*ss:** you have got to be fucking w me now we’re TRIGGER

**d*ck*ss:** and yeah we’re pretty popular ofc he likes us

**d*ck*ss:** even though our center is an annoying little b*tch (but i love him anyway dont tell him i said that)

**the sweet child:** you know, you don’t have to censor yourself for me

**d*ck*ss:** yes the f*ck i do youre not legally allowed to swear

**the sweet child:** that’s completely untrue!

**d*ck*ss:** swear then

**the sweet child:** heck

**the sweet child:** seriously though I did like your music. Pistol is really good

**d*ck*ss:** *Trigger

**d*ck*ss:** but thx

“Oh my fucking God he’s fucking Yaotome Gaku and we’re friends with him,” whispered Misuki, dropping back down next to Riku and Iori. “This is  _ so fucking awesome.” _ He grinned brightly at the two of them. “We have to listen to the rest of their music!”

“Have you ever heard of the music competition Black or White?” Gaku asked Riku as they went on their delivery rounds.

“I have now,” Riku said. “I’m guessing it’s something that your band is doing?”

“Yeah. And I’ve mentioned you to my bandmates, like, a lot, and they want to meet you.” Gaku deliberately didn’t look at Riku as he pulled out of a side street and back onto the main road. “So I was wondering if you’d like a ticket? They’re...pretty cool. Well, one of them is. The one that’s your age has been stuck in his emo phase for at least a year and a half emotionally, although he acts like a ‘modern-day angel’ in front of the cameras. You guys are either going to get along great, or you’ll hate each other. If you meet. My other friend is pretty cool. He’s from Okinawa and has two younger brothers, and I think you’ll get along well. If you, you know, agree to go.”

“What about Mitsuki and Iori?” asked Riku. “Could they come too?”

“If they could buy the tickets,” Gaku said. “My dad’s an asshole, so I’ll probably only be able to get yours, because you’re the one that my friends want to meet.”

“I’ll...think about it,” Riku said, pulling out his phone, presumably to text his boyfriend and friend. “It might be fun? I do really like your music.”

“I’m glad,” said Gaku. “You know, we’ll be performing it live at Black or White.”

Riku grinned a little and rolled his eyes. “I’ll think about it.”

His phone then started buzzing out of his hand. 

“What’s going on?” asked Gaku.   
“Uh...Mitsuki’s telling me he’s going to literally disown me if I don’t go. We aren’t even related!” Riku shook his head. “Apparently they already tried to get tickets, but it’s sold out, and he wants me to go and tell him everything about it.”

“So is that a yes?” Gaku asked.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Riku said. “I guess it’s a free night out at any rate, and I can meet your other friends...I hope they’re nice.”

“Well, Ryuu definitely is,” Gaku told him. “I’m sure everything will turn out great.”

Gaku wasn’t nervous for the concert at all. How could he be, when he was so full of nerves about introducing Riku to Tenn and Ryuu? He stressed about this all through the song--though of course, he hit all of his cues and notes perfectly--until they were finally relaxing offstage after securing their win.

“You guys seriously  _ have _ to behave yourselves, and don’t come on super strong,” he said, pacing in front of them. Tenn rolled his eyes, very obviously flipping through his magazine about asthma and other respiratory illnesses. “Ryuu, don’t fucking drink. Tenn, don’t...be an asshole.”

“But my love, I’m always an asshole,” Tenn said dryly. 

Gaku choked for a little, then grinned. Finally, Tenn was giving as good as he got. “Not when you’re on TV, babe,” he said. “But seriously,  _ be nice. _ Riku thinks all idols are, like, evil family-haters or something.”

Tenn started choking.

“He has legitimate trauma related to that, seriously. Like, genuine abandonment and self-esteem issues up the wazoo. Luckily, he likes our music.”

Tenn was turning blue.

“So anyway, be nice, for the love of fuck don’t embarass me, he texted that he’s waiting outside, shit, we’re late, let’s go!”

“Wait--” Tenn started, but Gaku didn’t let him finish, grabbing him and Ryuu and pulling them out.

“I really don’t think I--”

“Just don’t be a dick, babe, and it’ll be fine, really,” Gaku said. Seriously? He was getting cold feet  _ now? _

“So your friend’s name is Riku?” asked Ryuu. “What’s his last name?”

Tenn whispered something that sounded like  _ please please please please please. _

“Nanase,” Gaku said. “Did I seriously never mention his name before?”

“Nope,” said Ryuu.

“Fuuuuck,” whispered Tenn.

Really, Gaku got that he could be shy sometimes, but this was a little overboard, honestly. If they weren’t running late, he would have stopped and asked Tenn what was up, but they were running late, so he figured Tenn could just suck it up. He did a lot of much more uncomfortable things with a smile on his face, after all--this would be fine.

“You know, I might not have mentioned your guys’s names to him, either,” Gaku realized out loud.

“Yeah, probably fucking not,” Tenn muttered, but at least he was walking for himself now. “From a scale of one to ten, how much do you think he hates his brother?”

“At least seven, the guy sounds like a dick and Riku sounded pretty pissed when he told me about him, which is why you guys have to  _ behave yourselves. _ Hey, Riku--we’re over here!”

Riku glanced up from where he’d just gotten out his inhaler to see three figures standing about twenty meters from him. Two were tall, the third short; he remembered that of the other two members of Trigger, one had been smaller than the other two. He hadn’t gotten a good look at any of them while they were on stage, and his asthma had been acting up all night so he’d been focusing on bringing his breathing down and inhaling the steam from his chamomile tea to pay much attention when they were getting their award. He really should be taking his inhaler about now, he thought, but it would be pretty awkward to make Gaku and his friends wait for him, so he hurried over, the inhaler still hanging from his fingers.

“Hi!” he said, grinning; Gaku and the other tall one were standing under a street lamp, while the smaller one was standing in the shadows, face obscured by the darkness. “I’m Nanase Riku, I’m a friend of Gaku’s from work. What’s your names?”

“I’m Tsunashi Ryuunosuke,” said the other tall one, holding out his hand for Riku to shake. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” said Riku. “I like your jacket.”

“Thanks!”

The person in the shadows stayed silent and didn’t move. Gaku sighed and rolled his eyes theatrically, pulling him under the streetlight.

“This jackass is Kujo Tenn, our center. Babe, could you at least  _ pretend _ to be polite? I will  _ literally _ pay you.”

All the blood drained from Riku’s face as he looked at his brother for the first time in years. Tenn didn’t look very happy either--to see Riku, to be here, whatever.

But...Tenn was...Gaku’s bandmate? Their  _ center, _ whatever that meant? Did...did Gaku  _ know, _ then? This whole time, had he just been pretending to be Riku’s friend, and then mocking him behind his back with Tenn, for being so weak and pathetic?

“You  _ asshole,” _ he whispered, his inhaler falling from limp fingers. He sucked in a horrified breath, and his traitorous lungs loudly protested with a squeak. “You asshole!” He turned and ran.

“Riku?!” Gaku exclaimed.

“Riku!” shouted Tenn. 

Riku could hear footsteps behind him, and he tried to speed up but couldn’t breathe fast enough. A hand closed around his wrist and he was forced to stop, gasping for air, the world blurring around him through tears.

“You forgot your inhaler,” Tenn said, voice utterly devoid of any emotion.

“Fuck off,” Riku muttered. He had never actually sworn before, at anyone, but this situation  _ definitely _ warranted it.

“Riku! What’s wrong, what’s going on? Are you mad because we’re idols or something, you said you wanted to meet--”

“I don’t care about idols!” Riku screamed, whirling around to meet Gaku’s eyes and ripping his wrist out of Tenn’s grasp. “I don’t! I don’t care about the songs or the money or the fans or the fame! I don’t care about the concerts! I don’t care about the dancing! I don’t care about any of it!” He glared at all three of them, his chest constricting, tears spilling down his cheeks. “All I ever wanted was my family! My brother, my parents! But--he, he left! He left us, for people like  _ you, _ and he will  _ never _ come back! Ever! Because he hates me, because I’m weak and pathetic and everything he isn’t! And every time my parents look at me they see that I’m me and not him, and they’re disappointed, I know they are! Because I’m worth nothing, especially without him! And he threw me away.  _ Forever.” _

Tenn opened his mouth to say something, but Riku didn’t give him a chance, running even faster than before, refusing to look back. He wasn’t sure if he was breathing or crying or neither, and he didn’t care. His chest hurt, sure, but so did everything else. 

He did, however, notice one thing besides his breathing and the hurt spreading inky tentacles through him: this time, there were no footsteps after him, no hand grabbing him to stop him.

This time, he was the one running off, and this time, Tenn was the one who couldn’t follow.

It didn’t feel as good as he had thought it would have, but there was no reason to dwell on it now, as his chest tightened and he finally stumbled to a stop in an unknown part of the city. He couldn’t think about this right now. All he wanted was to go home.

Tenn stared after Riku, frozen by his brother’s glare and words. Didn’t he understand that Tenn couldn’t come back? Didn’t he know that he’d done it all for him?

“That was…” Gaku sighed. “I’m sorry, guys, I don’t know what happened. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

Tenn’s hand tightened on his brother’s inhaler. “Yeah. I’m going home.”

He turned on his heel and stalked off into the night, before realizing what he still held, worry and fear taking hold of him.

Riku had left his inhaler. Anything could happen to him! Oh God...oh no…

Well, there was only one thing Tenn could do now: sneak the inhaler back into Riku’s home while he was busy talking to Gaku.

He hoped it would work, but for now, there was nothing he could do except for walk home and hope against desperate hope that his beloved younger brother would be ok.


End file.
